It’s
year in review time. This is not going to be fun, but I am going to attempt to
add a positive with each sad moment that I recount.
1.
What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Positive – Taught Year 11 ATAR Literature – and did a damn fine job of
it, even if I do say so myself (and so do my students’ marks).
The bad thing – I attended the funeral of my Triffitt baby. Losing Blake is the worst thing that
has ever happened to me. If someone offered me a contract stating, “I will bring Blake back to life,
but you have to endure every bad moment of your childhood in order to do so” I would
sign the contract in an instant. In my own blood. Twice.
This review is mainly about Blake. Be prepared. Be very prepared.
2.
Did you achieve your goals for the year, and will you make more for next year?
The bad thing – I know I wanted to finish the year at 58kg (I was at 60
at the beginning of the year and still moving downwards), read a huge number of
books and some other stuff. I am ending the year at 70kg (my heaviest ever), I’ve
binge watched Netflix and played mindless games rather than read as nothing
else feels important right now.
The good thing – I am still making goals for next year. I want to read
12 novels, I want to write 5000 words and I submit a short story for the Black
Dog Anthology.
3.
Did anyone close to you give birth?
The good thing – My boss Ben and his wife welcomed their first child
into the world.
The bad thing – Ben bought his baby into work on the last day and I
couldn’t face seeing him. I choked up with anxiety and I don’t know why. I just
couldn’t. I’m happy for Ben, so it doesn’t make sense to me, but there it is.
4.
Did anyone close to you die?
The good thing – Lee’s dad died and he seemed to deal really well with
it. When my Mum died, I went through a lot of grief, not because we were close,
but because we weren’t and now we never would be. Lee seemed to escape that
totally. Even now it seems like a nothing event to him. Brilliant.
And then.
The bad thing. On the 21st September I received a phone call
from my son, Aiden. “Has anyone called you?” My first thought was Cassandra.
She has demons and I felt that something bad had happened to her or her kids.
“Blake hanged himself.”
My world stopped at that moment. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t stay still.
I prowled the house screaming against the news and waiting for someone to call
me back to tell me he’d been revived.
The call never came. What came was grief, the funeral, an outpouring of
love from friends, family, and total strangers. I don’t know how I survived. I’m
not convinced I have, that I am the ghost of Blake walking the earth searching
for the rest of myself.
5.
What countries did you visit?
None.
The good thing – But I interacted with people from around the world who
contacted me to share their experience of Blakey Boy. That meant a lot to me.
6.
What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
There is nothing that could come into
my life in 2020 that could replace what I lost in 2019.
The good thing – I guess I would like
to get my sense of self back and with it a sense of will.
7.
What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The bad thing - 21 September. The day Blake left us.
The good thing – 22 December. The day Erin received an offer to study
Psychology and Criminology at uni. Erin has worked hard at her education ever
since the first day of kindy. I am so proud of her.
8.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Despite my virtual ghosting of Term 4, every one of my ATAR 11 Lit
students passed their first two units of study. I means I gave them excellent
foundations in the first three terms which they were able to use for themselves
in Term 4. I’m really proud of myself for that. And them. They pulled
themselves together when I really need them to.
9.What
was your biggest failure?
The bad thing – I spoke to Blake a lot while he was on his prac. He’d
mentioned his struggle with his depression, so I feel I failed him by not
phoning him more.
I wasn’t there properly for my students in Term 4. Most of my term was spent
‘door-knobbing’ ie making up a lesson as I’m letting the students into the
room. I spent most of the time in a fog, barely registering my own presence let
alone theirs.
The good thing – However, things began turning around in about Week 7
and I started to get my act back together. Yes, there were a lot of movies for
my students, but I did engage them in conversation based on what we were
viewing.
10.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
My heart broke.
I’m self-harming by overeating.
11.
What was the best thing you bought?
The good thing – We had a brilliant week in Toodyay to celebrate my 50th
birthday. It was the last time we saw Blake and I’m glad we had it.
The bad thing – Lee and I spent the entire time believing something was
very wrong with Blake. We commented on it to each other and felt that he had an
illness that he was keeping secret from us. He appeared to be wasting away and
we thought he might be deathly ill.
It turned out, he was, but not in the way that we were imagining. I wish
I could go back to that moment and ask him directly what was going on.
12.
Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Connor continued to perform in the school play, calling on his grief to
put forward a performance that had teachers still commenting weeks later.
Aiden delivered the news in a caring, loving way. He and Rachel took us
in whilst in the midst of their own overwhelming grief. It wasn’t easy on them
and at times their nerves were frayed by having so many people infringing upon
their space, but they made sure we were okay when they clearly were not.
My ex-husband took control of the funeral and made it a time of
reflection and celebration of our child. It was beautiful, sad, and happy all
at the same time.
Lee has demonstrated that he really is a bonus-father to Blake, Aiden
and Cassie. There were times when he needed to take over parenting one of my
Triffitt children because I no longer could face it. He did, and in doing so,
kept our family functioning until I could take over again.
My students were my rocks throughout this trauma. Hugs, cards, presents,
the ‘mother-duck’ award, quiet conversations of love and respect, hearts, flowers,
emails, messages on the white board, drawings, lollies, chocolates, a heartfelt
“are you okay, miss?”, and a handmade blue and purple ‘suicide awareness’ Christmas
tree signed by my class of Year 9s all came my way in the aftermath of Blake’s
death and continued right up until the last day of school. I will miss each and
every student. They mean the world to me.
13.
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I can’t talk about it here. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy angsting
over the behaviour of someone I love more than my own life. Hopefully things
will turn around in 2020.
14.
Where did most of your money go?
Trips to Perth. We couldn’t afford
them, but we did them anyway. Homesickness, birthdays and funerals conspired to
keep us poor this year.
Alcohol. Food. Books. DVDs. They’re
all self-medications right now and we need to work ourselves out in order to
progress next year.
15.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The holiday in Toodyay. I really
needed it and it turned out to be the saving grace of this year.
16.
What song will always remind you of 2019?
Chicago by Sufjan Stevens. It was the song we used for the photo montage
of Blake and it’s a song that has significance within our family.
17.
Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? ii. thinner or
fatter? iii. richer or poorer?
Sadder, fatter, poorer. So sad, so fat, don’t care about the poorness. I’ve
been poorer in my life, but I’ve never been so sad or so fat.
18.
What do you wish you’d done more of?
Being honest with someone whose ongoing behaviour scares me. I should
have told them sooner that they’re slowly self-destructing rather than enabling
their actions.
Taking photos. I hadn’t realised how few photos I took in Toodyay. The
photos I have of Blake are from other people.
19.
What do you wish you’d done less of?
I don’t know. I think I’ve done exactly what I’ve needed to do to
survive. Is my eating out of control? Yes. Is my drinking getting beyond ‘normal’?
Yes. Do I feel ready to stop? Not quite. Can I stop? Yes. When the time comes,
I will step up and make the change. It probably won’t be today. I don’t see it
happening before Boxing Day. Ask me next Sunday. That sounds about right.
20.
How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas is still two days away, but I’m answering it now.
I will be spending Christmas Day remembering, laughing, crying, drinking
and eating heavily, and making new memories with Lee, Aiden, Rachel, Erin, and Connor.
I won’t spend it thinking that on the 28th
we lose another child (this time to Perth and uni). I won’t. I won’t.
I probably will.
21. Who
did you meet for the first time?
Friends of Blake’s. Together, they showed me just how important my boy
was to other people. Online, and at the funeral, I met a batch of people who
raved about the wonder that was Blakey. He was so freaking loved.
22.
Did you fall in love in 2019?
I have fallen out of love with life. Nothing matters beyond my beautiful
family and students. The world burns around us (both literally and figuratively)
and I honestly find it hard to not want to throw myself to the flames.
23.
What was your favourite TV program?
MASH featured large in our TV
watching this year. The kids started off fairly disinterested, but we
persevered and then it happened – “Abyssinia Henry.” By the end of the episode
the children were hooked; crying and hooked.
But my favourite would have to be Killer
Ratings. As Lee states it was “probably the oddest combination of wtf moments
strung together.”
24.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. I’m not a hater and I tend to let my hatreds go easily.
Actually, no that’s not true. This time last year I did not hate Scott
Morrison. I didn’t like him, or respect him, but nor did I hate him. He was a
nothing politician in a sea of nothing politicians.
This year, I absolutely hate him. I hate how he has treated refugees, I
hate how he has closed his ears to climate change professionals, and I hate his many bad
reactions to the bush fire situation. I hate him. And I don’t see myself letting
go of this particular hatred.
Now, I think we need to stop relying upon any politician to act for our
best interests. It’s time we, those who want change, to ignore the government
and do what’s necessary to fix the various crises. #ghostthegovernment
25.
What was the best book you read?
Earlier this year I reread The Chrysalids by John Wyndham. It’s the
book that got me into books and, having read it for about the tenth time, I
can still see why.
My favourite book that I’d never read
before would probably be Jasper Jones by
Craig Silvey. I studied it with my Lit kids and it just blew me away. Loved it.
26.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
I love the band James. “Laid” and “Getting Away With it
(All Messed Up)” have been favourites
since the 90s. And then, a few months ago Connor asked Google Home to play “Say
Something.” And from that moment I had to have more. I have now listened to
everything James has released and I
love all of it. All. Of. It.
27.
What was your favourite film of this year?
This is the year in which I discovered Adam Driver. Yes, yes, he is Kylo
Ren and no, I didn’t think much of that character. But then I watched BlackkKlansman
and suddenly I found myself excited by a performance. Driver was mesmerising. I
loved the movie, I loved the interplay between the many characters, but I
absolutely freaking adored Driver.
And then, one night of insomnia recently, I watched Marriage Story starring Adam Driver and Scarlett Johannson. Oh my
God. As movie plots go, I would probably have placed it on the Weekday Midday Movie
Opposite Ray Martin part of the spectrum. However, Driver and Johannson were
absolutely fantastic and I could not look away. Driver is amazing and I would
watch anything with him in it. Including the next Star Wars movie.
But to answer the initial question, BlackkKlansman.
28.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 50 in Karratha and celebrated it by having a birthday lunch
that I invited over 30 people to. Five turned up.
A few weeks later we did the family thing in Toodyay and it was the
holiday I needed.
29.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my daughter had finished her bridging course.
30.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
What fits?
31.
What kept you sane?
I am far from sane. Blake’s death tore my heart, mind and soul apart and
continues do so on a daily basis. I don't think I will ever be my true self again.
32.
What political issue stirred you the most?
Climate change, people who mock Greta Thunberg, the water crisis, the
mockery of a government that is supposed to support the will of the people
rather than their own religious ideologies.
33.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.
Take more photos.
34.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go
Chorus of “Chicago”
by Sufjan Stevens.
RIP Blake
14 September 1994 –
21 September 2014
 |
| Holly, Blake, Aiden and Rachel chilling in Toodyay, July 2019 |
