Sunday, December 25, 2011

2011 Meme

Lee and I tend to do this at the end of every year. Considering the glumness of my last post, I thought I might do it now.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Finished first year Uni. It's taken 10 years but I've finally done it.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? At the beginning of each year the family sits down and works out what they'd like to achieve by the end of the year. Mine were: Be doing 15 hours a week in Field Service (did not achieve). Be attending both meetings regularly (nope.) Send out three short stories (sent out five. Only had one accepted. A real low point but goal met nonetheless) Be 52 kg in weight (Will probably be 56 but considering I started at 63kg, I am well pleased with this) Finish first year uni (YES!)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No. Georgie had a baby at the end of the year and they lived with us for most of it, but Georgie and Luc are gone now. Cassandra is pregnant and the baby is due in May.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? None. Again.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? A job that pays a regular wage so we can move forward financially.
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Not so much dates, as events. Aiden, Georgie and Luc moving out together, only to have Aiden come back by himself the next day. Getting my results for uni (HD for Teaching and Credit for Science) and getting an acceptance to switch to Secondary studies next year and finding out that I can go straight to second year.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finishing 1st year with three HDs. So pleased to have finished the year, but I know I worked hard and I have the results to show it.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not regaining my spirituality fully. Losing my best friend.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Bronchitis in September for the second year running which put into bed for a month.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My Weight Watchers membership. Nearly 7kg so far and more to come. Also, a fantastic pair of platform heels last week. Totally gorgeous and go with everything.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Aiden took on Fatherhood to a child that wasn't biologically his. He tried to keep that contact going after the relationship broke up, but was denied. I am so proud of my son.
Lee sold his novel and next book through a mix of talent and hard work. I'm so proud of the focus he showed during this time in finishing, editing and getting it out there. My love for my husband gets deeper by the day.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Georgie's behaviour after the breakup was totally appalling. She told her friends and family all sorts of lies about us and Aiden when all we ever did was open our home and offer our support.
14. Where did most of your money go? I have no idea. Sometimes we had money. Most of the time we didn't. It didn't matter. We were happy anyway.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Lee's novel contract. He earned it and I'm just so pleased for him.
16. What song will always remind you of 2011? Some of Us by Starsailor

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:i. happier or sadder? ii. thinner or fatter? iii. richer or poorer? Sadder. I feel so lonely and disconnected from my extended family right now. Thinner. About 7kg thinner. Poorer. Uni student, big family, single wage.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Three things: I wish I'd written more. I wish I'd gone out on Field Service more. I wish I'd gone to more meetings. They will be a focus of 2012.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? I wish I hadn't given myself over to Georgie and the baby the way that I did. I miss that little boy so much and yes, I miss Georgie too.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? No real Xmas. The kids will have presents in the morning while I look on. I'll be going to the meeting in the afternoon. Looking forward to the 27th when we catch up with Amanda and kids. That means more to me than Xmas.
21. Who did you meet for the first time? Josephine from my congregation. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I met someone who understood how hard it was to come back after a long break. And yet, it did not have a happy ending.
22. Did you fall in love in 2011? I am hopelessly passionately in love with my husband Lee. He delights me in so many ways and I'm glad I'm his wife.
23. What was your favourite TV program? EastEnders and Bones.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. I hated behaviours that went on but not the people themselves. Actually, yes. I hate Dylan and blame everything bad on him.
25. What was the best book you read? The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall Smith. This series opened my eyes on how books can be written. They are gentle, warm, funny and clever in a simple way.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Bones soundtrack features a song called Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros. I can't understand a word of it, and yet it makes me cry.
27. What was your favorite film of this year? Thinking thinking thinking and yet nothing stands out. I did enjoy Captain America on DVD, but other than that I can't remember any other movies from the year.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 42. Lee made dinner.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If my best friend and I had managed to find our way past our differences and actually been there for each other during the tough times. I'm disappointed in both of us for the lack of effort. I'm disappointed in her for being so judgemental and disappointed in me for being too proud to actually just talk to her. We both need to work on the fruitages of the spirit.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Jeans and baggy shirts for most of it. Jeans, skinny tees and high heels for the end of it. I'll be taking that into 2012.

31. What kept you sane? I'm not sure I am. I'm feeling very disjointed and out of control right now and that can't be mentally healthy.
32. What political issue stirred you the most? I don't know if it's a political issue per se, but I did spend a lot of time discussing the dreadful wrongs committed by the whites against Aboriginal Australians with the little kids. I want Erin and Connor to understand just how important reconciliation is for their future.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Best friends are a luxury meant only for the young.

34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Some of us laugh, some of us cry,
Some of us smoke, some of us lie,
But it's all just the way that we cope with our lives.

Some of Us - Starsailor
I'm a cryer and I guess in some ways I'm a liar (I've certainly lied to myself for a long time), but that has been the way I've tried to cope with 2011.

End of year musings.

It's 2am on the 25th December and I can't sleep. No, it's not excitement about the day ahead. This time of year is not for me. If anything I feel the opposite of excited. I wonder if they have a name for that.

The one thing I hear all the time is that this time of year is about family.

This has got me thinking about the nature of family and what it means to be in a family. Surely our brothers, sisters, parents, children, cousins etc should be the closest people we know. They should be our best friends.

Don't get me started about best friends.

I do have a family. I have a perfectly lovely and supportive family made up of Lee, Aiden, Erin and Connor. I also have other children, but they chose to not live with me when my last marriage broke down. I've tried not to think of them as different to the three who do live with me, but sometimes it happens. I look at Blake and think "Who are you? What am I to you?" I know he really comes to visit his brother rather than me. Aiden is the person he gets on the train for. Not me. Not Connor. Certainly not Erin.

Cassandra moved in with us at the breakdown of her live-in relationship. It didn't take long to realise that we had nothing in common anymore. We use the L word, but I think it's a reflexive use rather than the overwhelming feeling I hear when Erin or Connor say it to me.

I have a brother. Our differing relationships with our Dad means we find it hard to connect. Every now and then we try, but then years will go by with neither of us speaking to each other. We're in such a phase right now and I can't help but wonder if I offended him at some point. I don't want to push. I've pushed in the past, but really I think he's happier without me.

My mum. I don't love my mum. I just don't. She left when I was nine and I didn't see her again until my Dad died when I was 15. That was her decision, not mine. Again, we've tried to connect, but then she cut my boys off about 5 years ago and I decided enough was enough. I haven't bothered since.

And then there's my Dad. But which one? I've had quite a few and they've all been failures. Whether biological or step, I haven't had one successful father figure.

So, here we are.

It's now 2.30 in the morning and I feel very alone. I have my beloved husband and I know he's mine forever. I also have the children, but my experience with my Triffitt children does make me wonder when they'll leave me too. All my actual, real blood family has left me at some point. Aiden is the only one to come back. Family is supposed to love us unconditionally. Am I so awful that this doesn't apply to me?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Five years and change

Now, where were we? Last we spoke I had just graduated as a Massage Therapist. Now I'm about to enter my second year at Murdoch University (Rockingham campus) studying Secondary Teaching (maybe).

The big question is - why am I here?

No, I'm not navel gazing. What I mean is, I haven't touched this blog in a very long time. Why am I going back?


Facebook is all well and good. But it's not enough. I can't really convey the deep problems and simple pleasures of day to day life fully there. I can't examine the minutiae of my existence without my thoughts being lost in the ebb and flow of other people's opinions.

LJ was good for a time, but now it's dead. Very few people hang out there, including me.

So, it's back to my blog. I have many - this one, IMHO and Lyn the Luddite. I've had a look at all three and after thinking about the me that I am now, I've decided this one suits my purposes best. I might, however, take up IMHO again since I have a great many books in my shelves to discuss.

So, who am I?

I'm Lyn Battersby. And Lyn Triffitt. And Lyn Kiely. I'm 42 years old, but I'm not middle aged. I've just started exploring who I am and what I'm doing at this point. I like me, but I'm frustrated with where I'm at. I love my kids but sometimes I need space from them. I adore my husband but sometimes he drives me bonkers bananas. I don't hate any of my exes. I nothing them.

I used to have three best friends*. Now I have one (waves to Catherine). I don't hate the others. I nothing them. I used to have lots and lots of friends. Now, I have lots and lots of acquaintances with whom I'm very friendly.

So, deep breath. I'm back.

I think.

* Lee is, of course, my bestest and loyalist friend.