Last Friday Lee and I had a conversation that basically went:
Lyn: Connor's been at school full-time for two weeks now. I'm writing heaps and the house is clean and I'm feeling at a bit of a loose end. I wish I had decided to judge the Aurealis Awards this year because I'm feeling that I need something else in my life.
Lee: Well, surely there's something new you could do or try.
Lyn: I have been thinking about going back to uni full-time as an internal student.
Lee: There you go. Do that.
Connor came home from school, walked through the door and started vomiting. That was Friday afternoon. It's now Wednesday afternoon. His Rumination Syndrome has, overnight, regressed to being as bad as it's ever been. I haven't written a word. I have barely cooked. I haven't touched housework since then. Connor is pale and depressed and looks as if the world is ending. We can't get him to smile or laugh or play. He's just lying on the couch being totally miserable which, I think, just makes him worse. Hoping to distract him with something positive, we tried to send him to school this morning. He lasted all of two hours before his teacher gave up and sent him home.
I'm not asking for pity or sympathy or a shoulder. I'm mainly recording this because it needs to be recorded. I need to remind myself that yes, this is bad, really bad, but he's been bad before and then he got not-so-bad for a while. The school is more determined to help out this time. Last time they sent him straight home on the first sign of illness. Now, they give it four attacks before they call me.
There are moments I want to cry in frustration. I really thought the worst was behind us, that we were now working towards wellness. We were, for the most part, getting our lives back. Now I'm second guessing myself and wondering if I did the wrong thing by putting Connor back into the school system. I feel as though I can't cope with this again and then I get up and cope with it. My washing machine is back to running constantly and the house has redeveloped a sickly smell that clings to everything.
We are going to try school again tomorrow. And we're going to try everyday even if it means he's doing a mixture of school and homeschool. I feel it's important to keep him in the system this time so that when his symptoms calm down again he'll already be in the routine.
Until then, I'll be here, at home, staring out the window as the world goes on.